This time last year we were on the road, driving back to DC after living in California for eighteen months. It seemed surreal that our time was up so quickly, that our trip to New Zealand was over, and less than one week later we would live in different places. I was also booked to fly back to San Francisco on the second day of the new year. An uncertain feeling lingered.
This was a year of back and forth.
I accumulated almost 30,000 miles on Virgin America flights from SFO to DCA alone. I wondered if we were doing the right things. I decided to take a break from marathon training but then won the lottery for Marine Corps, and ran it anyway. I stopped and restarted my yoga practice, and teaching, more than a few times. I wavered on some decisions, but stubbornly stuck to my guns on others. I wrote a lot—started this real talk! hey!—and then not so much. I found a stronger voice, but have used with varying frequency. I found a more peaceful approach to running, but haven’t fully committed to it. I settled into a good routine of remote West-to-East coast working, and then it all came to a close.
We took a trip to South Africa to celebrate a best friend’s wedding, and came back to a totally different life. We brought home a puppy, settled in to our longest no-traveling stretch of the year, and welcomed back-to-back visitors. Finally, a long deep breath.
A fellow dietitian emailed me on November 10 asking if I’d be open to chatting with her about my work. Based on this site, she deemed I was “living the dream.” That didn’t seem totally true to me. I had a great job, with some of the best people I know, that ironically ended that very day. So I was feeling a little torn about whether or not I was working/living any dream at all, but her email stuck with me.
What you seek is seeking you.
That’s one of the strongest takeaways I have from my yoga teacher training. I forget this pretty often, but when it comes back to me everything makes a little bit more sense.
I didn’t always feel totally put together this year, or like I was living or striving toward any sort of dream. There were a lot of great times, fun phases, really good work, and more good people. But I often felt like I was barely getting by—not seeking, just surviving—because sometimes that’s the best the brain can do.
We don’t need a new year to prompt big changes—of any sort—but something about that clean slate is very refreshing. And we get that clean slate either way, no matter what we decide to fill it up with or what we decide to start seeking.
Right now, this year, we’re looking at a weekend in. We’re not traveling, not moving, not making any grand changes. I have no plan to go back or forth. I’m comfortably right in the middle, staying put. I’m looking at that so-called dream and giving it all a try, seeking something that’s been quietly seeking me for a while.